I smile to hide the sadness that buries deep in the depth of my eyes. Hiding what kills me just to hide you in the dark. No one needs to know that I fall apart. What is it about you that attracts my eyes towards you? When I shut my eyes, I see you. It is not fair because I know our touch will never be. When I close my eyes I count to ten. When I open, you’re gone again. There is a place that I run to safe inside my head, and I know that there is nothing left that can be said.
She would ask herself, “You smile all day long, but are you truly happy?” —
And the thought suddenly rushed to her instantly. Her smiled turned into a straight line again, and there she was fooling herself. She was not just lying to herself, but to the environment that surrounded her. Her once so happy atmosphere turned a tinted color of darkness. Her eyes began to water as she blinked her eyes. She was not who she masked herself to be, nor was she a disguise that fooled all. If you wanted her to answer honestly, she was not happy, but if you wanted to hear her as the image she proved herself to be, she’d say she was fine. And as she stuttered to say she was fine, you could hear the uncertainty lies that trembled behind her lips.
— "Are you alright?" they’d ask. "I am fine," she smiled.
She stands there with her shoulders bend besides her as her head hangs below. Long light brown hair draped to the side. Her eyes widen as her reflection stares back. How is it that she cannot know? How is it that she doesn’t notice?
I see it deep within her now. The simple yearning to be wanted. The attention that she craves so much from him, but her spirit has been rendered.
There’s tears that balance in her eyes. Tears that threaten to be shed to stream down her rivers of despair. The flow of tears that slide down her cheeks.
When I look at her, she seems so familiar. So familiar but I cannot seem to grasp the idea. I am not sure, but it seems that we have met before. Is it the sadness that I can sense from afar? The heavy breaths that begin to mimic mine. Can she see me? I can’t seem to tell because she seems lost and miserable.
Oh how I wish to stand besides her. I wish to tell her that ‘everything will be ok and alright.’ I wish to hold her and make her believe, but I can see it inside the spirit that lies. I can see through her, that she is hanging on, just barely. Yet not close enough for me to reach out.
She walks forward as I stay still. She reaches out and grabs my shirt to wipe her swollen eyes. I realize it looks as if not everything has appeared before me. My sleeves are now smeared with tears. As she is near I begin to feel the sacredness and loneliness that awaits before me.
With these arms, I wish to hold her, but cannot. We are both the same words and emotions. Looking through a transparent glass, for I haven’t grown any warmth. The warmheartedness of my spirit to hold her, for I haven’t found any strength to.
It’s me, the sallow girl with the long light brown hair.
I have never been strong enough to stay.
People say that walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it isn’t. Staying, even when you know it will break your heart, is the hardest thing. Staying right where you are, waiting for your entire world to be ripped into pieces is harder than walking away and starting a new one.
I am finally okay being by myself; because I’m not, really, truly alone. I have never been fine, for as long as I can remember there has been this emptiness. Something was always missing for me. And it’s not that I had a bad life, it’s just that I saw what was bad with life. People hurt each other mindlessly. We love selfishly. Everything I noticed in life was that people keep going, even when things should have stopped. And that bothered me. I wanted someone to have me, lose me, and devote their life to everything I would have wanted. Or I wanted that to happen to me. Just to prove that people care. But I don’t want that anymore. I no longer need devotion or adoration, or even anything close. I have myself, and I am happy. I am funny, I am kind, and that is enough.
When you’re feeling sad and you think that it is not going to part away or that you won’t ever feel happy again, don’t. Because I guarantee you that one day you will find happiness. You know why? I can guarantee it. Everyone does come across being genuine again, even if it is for a split second. Someday you’ll finally see yourself as your own friend. Those guys or girl who screwed you over and broke your heart, they won’t matter. Your mistakes won’t matter because you’ll move on past that and learn from it, then you’ll accept it. You will understand that you can live without that person you thought you couldn’t. You will have everything because it’s inside you. Because one day they will recognize that they appreciate you just the way you appreciate yourself.
And one day when you come to recognize this, you’ll remember reading this and listening to me. You’re going to tell someone else who won’t believe you, and some day they will believe it like the way I always wish you did as well, and you have. Because now I believe it, years, months, weeks, days, i’ve come to find the things I didn’t see in myself. And now, i’m blooming into this beautiful flower. Something i’d never thought I was capable of doing and so will you.
Sometimes when I am out, I look at others and wonder what it would be like to be them. Sometimes i’d wonder who exactly are they. The way they act, what they are like and the way they perceive life. I wonder what they are thinking, what they are feeling that very moment. So many thoughts, so many feelings, so many people all at the same time.
Can you imagine? I mean you can never understand fully but to an extent you can relate and imagine. I mostly wonder what it be like to feel what they feel. How they feel about anything and about anyone. Because I know myself, I know how I feel at my very core, I feel myself on a daily basis, I wish I could feel others though. I know who I am, I know me.
I want to understand them. No one in particular, just people, different people. It’s just such an odd realization that in this very moment other people are living their lives as I write this. As I think this, as I question this, they are thinking, they are feeling all simultaneously. I wish I could understand it. Maybe I just wish there was more to understand. All questions aside though, it’s beautiful. Our existence is beautiful. So intricate and I simply am in awe of it all.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What if I was to reverse it? The way I perceive it through words, I try to paint a picture in people’s minds. Hoping they’d follow my footprints through these pages along with me. Having the ability to envision a part of my life through their eyes.
#holy #moly #macaroni #thisisthebestmessageever #iamsoflattered #speechless #mademynight #omg #ily
She had tried to forget him, realizing the futility of remembering. Sometimes she could see herself struggling and trying her best to avoid his wanders. Unfortunately, the thought of him was like an obsession. Each step she would take, each thought she would make, he would race back to her cerebrum. It was not that she dwelt upon details of their acquaintance, or was it that she recalled it in any special or peculiar way his personality; it was existence, his being, his smile, which had dominated her thought. Sometimes she was lucky enough to the equivalence where he would fade back into the mist where ever he had come from, yet at other times reviving again with an intensity which filled her with an incomprehensible longing.
I tell myself it’s all good, and that one day everything is going to be alright.
But as the days go by, I just doubt myself a little more.
I know that I’ve been told, that to feel better all you need is to believe.
But it’s been so hard that I don’t know how much I can hold on and be strong.
When I feel so empty, and I get tired of my sad face in the mirror.
I want to give up all the dreams I have kept inside my soul.
Every time that I feel like I’m too weak when everyone is so perfect.
I lose all of my strengh and I feel like I could fall down right on the floor.
If someone could stop my tears from falling,
And hold my hand to make this darkness go.
Because my only wish is that the sunshine will dry all my tears.