And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder - Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories?
It just sucks when you’ve given up so much for someone, but it just was not good enough.
I do not like to pour everything out because 90% of the time, I don’t even know how to describe how I feel.
I feel us drifting from one another.
It’s like I have this feeling as though i’ve felt it already once before.
The same feeling I had when we were together and before things ended.
I don’t like it at all because it makes me sad.
I don’t want to feel sad.
I want to be happy especially with you.
I want to be with you more than anything in the world, but you’re doing things to make me think otherwise. I deserve someone who’s going to show me affection and give me attention. I deserve someone who is going to give me everything, just as the way I give my everything back. I deserve someone who would never put any other girl before me, and someone who is going to be there for me when I need them the most, who isn’t with some other girl. Someone who is willing to do anything to make me happy, someone who is willing to make me smile, not make me hurt.
Because I don’t deserve any of that, I deserve better.
You were a lesson learned, but here I am yet, still going back into the history of our past. I know sometimes you may get tired of all the fighting, unhappiness, arguments, etc with me, but you have to understand where I am coming from as well. You ask why I am still with you, if all you do has been making me upset. You say that this is all in my head, and that I am being very childish and not understanding. You ask me what’s my problem, why I am always nagging, and bickering? But yet here you are doing things to make me feel this way. What’s my problem? You are exactly what my problem is. I can’t even talk to you without you being so clueless. How am I suppose to be so open, when you are my problem? The things you do have been making me react the way I am. You think I like arguing with you? You think I am doing this because I like it? No, I wish there was nothing we would argue about. I wish you wouldn’t do all these things that upset or annoys me. Why i’m still with you is because no matter what I do, I always end up running back to you because I love you. I don’t want much from you. I just want your attention, love, effort and affection, but why is it so hard for you to give that back? What you are doing now is far from what you had been doing and that is clearly why I am upset. What you are doing now isn’t good enough, because I have seen you do better, and I know you can and that is why I was expecting a lot more from you. I gave you a second chance because I was hoping you’d change, but why do I feel like we left off where we were at? I was willing to give it all up for you, but were you? I put everything after you, but here you are putting everything before me. I had every chance to move on, and here I am back at square one. You call me childish and stupid? Right, I am so sorry being so stupid because I care too much. I am sorry for ever having these feelings towards you. Why not, I just stop here? Maybe then you can finally see where I am coming from.
I wouldn’t be able to do it, ESPECIALLY if I was still in love with him.